


His Heart

by thesoundofnat



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Idiots in Love, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 17:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13081716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesoundofnat/pseuds/thesoundofnat
Summary: “Can I practice kissing with you?”Well that made him feel all kinds of emotions.“I, uh, sure? If you want to.”Why are you agreeing to this, Dameron, you damn fool.Finn perked up. “Really?”“Really.”Seriously, Dameron, you have a death wish.(Or, Poe and Finn keep talking about kissing, and it’s breaking Poe’s heart a little bit to know Finn will never want to kisshim.)





	His Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I posted a slightly different version of this yesterday, but I got a comment saying that I was portraying Poe in a way that fell into this sexualized stereotype of Latinx people, and that was the last thing I wanted, so I deleted it and rewrote parts so that it wouldn’t come across that way. Again, I apologize for my initial mistake and will always strive to do better.
> 
> Warnings: One tiny spoiler for The Last Jedi, so don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie.

When Finn shyly confessed to him, after he’d told him that watching over Rose almost obsessively wouldn’t make her wake up faster - and smiling sadly at his own hypocrisy - that Rose had kissed him, Poe had stared at the ceiling in his makeshift bed for hours while the others slept. He knew what the heaviness in his chest meant, what the drop of his stomach indicated, but he wasn’t going to acknowledge it.

So he started avoiding Finn like the plague. There was no way in hell that he would allow his friend to see this ugliness that was spreading through his body, infesting every cell, until all he could think about was _Finn and Rose, Finn and Rose, Finn and Rose._

And then Leia sat him down.

“As general, I need to remind you that creating tension within a team can lead to difficulties,” she started, and Poe blushed his head off.

“But as your friend,” she continued, completely ignoring his spluttering. “I need to remind you that this won’t help.”

“Help what?” he asked, utterly aware of just how much she knew, but completely unwilling to admit it.

She gave him a look. “Your heart.”

He was grateful that she didn’t say his name.

Poe started spending more time with Finn after that. Sitting by his side as he watched over Rose, letting him spill all his worries, and, on one occasion, letting him sleep against his shoulder when he physically couldn’t stay awake anymore.

He could tell that Finn was grateful, but they didn’t talk about it.

And then he brought up the kiss.

Finn hadn’t said another word about it since. Had never told Poe how he felt about it, or about Rose. But Poe needed to know. His heart needed to know in order to heal.

“So,” he said after twenty minutes of silently watching Rose breathe like creeps. “Rose is a nice girl.”

Finn took a few seconds to just look at him before saying, “She is.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to kiss her again.” He’d tried to sound jolly about it, but he knew his smile was the fakest one he’d ever worn.

Finn looked away, and maybe he was blushing, but Poe wouldn’t let himself look too closely. “I’m not sure that’s going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sure she’ll even wake up.”

Oh. Bad timing, Dameron.

“Right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

But Poe knew it wasn’t, because Finn refused to look at him for the rest of the evening.

Poe never mentioned him and Rose again. At least not to Finn.

He and Rey hadn’t talked much, but she was the only one who could - probably - relate to what he was going through. What had once been jealousy at the mere mention of Rey was turning into jealousy at the mere existence of Rose, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

“How do you deal with it?”

Rey averted her eyes, licked her lips, adjusted her position, and then met his gaze. “I have a lot of things going on. I cannot expect Finn to not make any other friends.”

“Friends?” He hadn’t meant to say that aloud.

Rey raised an eyebrow. “Yes. We… I know some people think it’s more- you know. But it’s not.”

“But he and Rose-”

“That could be more than friendship, but we don’t know that for sure. I’ve never even met Rose, but I can tell Finn cares about her.”

“They’ve kissed.”

“I know.”

“Friends don’t kiss.”

“It doesn’t have to mean more, though. It doesn’t have to lead to anything.” A small grin found her face. “You’ve probably kissed people. You’re not with them anymore, though, are you?”

No. He wasn’t.

“But that’s different,” he told her.

“Different how?”

“Time has passed, and I don’t want them anymore.”

“And who’s to say Finn wants Rose? Or vice versa.”

“They’re friends.”

“Did Finn tell you that he never kissed her back? Because he didn’t. And she did it literally seconds before falling unconscious. After they almost died. Feelings tend to overwhelm you during moments like that, and sometimes you do things you never would’ve done otherwise.”

“Is it just me, or are you trying to make me believe nothing is going on between them?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I believe it.” She leaned closer to him. “And because your heart needs it.”

His heart again. How come everyone else knew it so much better than he did?

But Rey’s words had lit a small flicker of hope in his chest, and while it could lead to disaster he had to admit he preferred it over the constant heaviness.

* * *

 

Finn came to his room uninvited, but in Poe’s mind he was always welcome. He stuck his head into the open door, caught Poe’s eye, and entered. He seemed bothered.

“You okay?”

“No,” Finn said, pacing in front of where Poe was sitting on his bed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know if I can tell you.”

Poe blinked. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Any reason for that?”

“I just don’t know if I have the courage to.”

“I’m sure you do, Mr Rebel.”

Finn’s lips twitched upward at that, but he didn’t stop his pacing.

Poe was starting to get really worried now.

“Hey.” He reached out, grabbed Finn’s wrist and pulled him closer, which might’ve been a  mistake. “Please talk to me? You know I won’t judge, whatever it is.”

Finn sighed and sank down beside him on the bed. “I know, it’s just- silly.”

“I doubt it’s silly if it’s making you this worked up.”

“Well.” Finn crossed his arms, almost defensive. “I guess I just want you to know that I don’t want to kiss Rose again.”

Poe’s heart was suddenly dancing. “Oh? How come?”

“It’s not like that. Between us, I mean.”

“She obviously thinks so.”

“She did it seconds after saving me from a certain death. I don’t blame her for being emotional. And besides-” Finn looked him right in the eyes now. “-even if it’s like that for her, it’s not like that for me.”

Poe had no idea what to say to that. He was sure his inner urge to cheer would be inappropriate.

“That’s good,” he said eventually. “That you’ve got it figured out and all. Feelings can be complicated.”

“Yeah. They can.”

Poe looked away. “Was she your first kiss?”

“She was.”

“I thought that perhaps Rey-”

“No, no. It’s not like that between us either.”

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Poe said, desperate to not let a silence arrive and trap them in its embrace. “To tell me, I mean.”

“No, I guess not.”

“To be quite honest, I’m not sure why you even wanted to tell me in the first place.”

“Because you brought her up. You indicated things. I just wanted to clear the air, so to say.”

“Does it matter what I think?”

“Of course.”

“Oh.”

Finn was smiling when Poe turned to look at him again. “You seem so surprised.”

“No one’s ever really cared about what I think. They know I don’t judge, so they don’t bother explaining.”

“I wanted you to know.”

Poe clapped his shoulder, an excuse to touch him. “I appreciate that, buddy.”

But something had been left unsaid when Finn left his room again. Something Poe couldn’t put his finger on. Was Finn keeping something from him? Or was it Poe who was keeping something from  _him_? Maybe both of them. Both of them keeping something from both of them.

Maybe he would never truly know.

* * *

 

“How many people have you kissed, Poe?” The question came out of nowhere when they were having dinner alone in Poe’s room. They’d invited Rey, but she’d told them she was meeting with Leia and would have to make a rain check.

Poe looked up from his plate to catch his eye, but Finn had his head ducked. “Why?”

“Just wondering. You know I’ve only kissed one, after all.”

“I’ve kissed a few.”

“You don’t keep count?”

“I do, for the most part, but it just doesn’t seem necessary. At one point you just stop caring.”

“Huh.” Finn finally met his gaze. “I’m guessing it seems like a bigger deal when you’ve only kissed one person. Or none.”

“It depends on who you are as well, I guess. For me it never seemed important. Each kiss meant something and I don’t want to put them all in this category of numbers.”

“That makes sense.”

“But the number isn’t as high as you might think,” Poe felt the need to add.

“I see.”

“Is… are you asking because you would like to start experimenting? Because if you do please allow me to give you a talk about precautions because kissing can lead to other things-”

Finn cut him off quickly. “Oh, no, no! I’m just curious. About you, I mean. I don’t want to… you know.”

“There’s no shame if you do.”

“I know.”

Poe was secretly relieved that Finn didn’t want to hear a weird ass version of The Talk, though he had to admit that a blushing Finn was an adorable Finn.

Finn rubbed his neck. “This is all new to me, you know? All I knew was orders.”

“I get it. Just promise me that if you ever want to ask something or need advice, come to me, okay? I’d rather you be safe. No matter what it is about.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me.”

Finn barked out a laugh when Poe poked at his chest. “All right, all right, I promise.”

Poe grinned. “Good. There’s no embarrassment within this relationship.”

They both knew that wasn’t true though, but Finn just mirrored his grin and they continued eating their now cold dinner.

* * *

 

The next time Finn brought kissing up Poe was absolutely certain he would Die if Finn ever brought sex up. He was starting to regret his words.

“What do you do if you want to practice kissing but have no one to practice with?”

Poe remembered wondering this in his younger days. The fear of not being good when you eventually kissed someone. The urge to ask your closest friend to practice with you. The fear that they would find you weird for doing so.

He didn’t want Finn to feel that fear.

“You could ask someone you trust. If they’re also inexperienced it could be good for both of you.”

“Oh.”

“Or you could ask someone who  _is_ experienced so that they can give you tips and stuff.”

“Ah.”

“Or you can not stress about it.”

“Huh.”

“You’re being very talkative today.”

Finn grinned sheepishly. “Sorry. It felt like a silly question and I sort of regretted it the moment it left my lips.”

“No, please, don’t feel that way. It’s fine. I’m here to listen and provide answers, okay?”

“Can I practice kissing with you?”

Well that made him feel all kinds of emotions.

“I, uh, sure? If you want to.”  _Why are you agreeing to this, Dameron, you damn fool._

Finn perked up. “Really?”

“Really.”  _Seriously, Dameron, you have a death wish._

“Do we do it now?”

“If you want to.”

“I do.”

Finn wanted to kiss him for the wrong reasons, and it broke Poe’s heart a little bit to hear it.

But still he smiled. “Let’s do it then. Come on.”

Finn scooted closer to him on the bed. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands. He looked nervous.

Poe felt nervous.

He put one hand on the side of Finn’s neck. “Ready?”

Finn took a deep breath. “Ready.”

Poe leaned closer, slowly, until Finn closed the gap and their lips were touching, just touching, for the sweetest of moments.

And then Poe started moving his mouth, Finn mimicking him, and suddenly Poe felt as if he would die if they stopped. If Finn pulled away and never ever kissed him again.

This would end badly.

“You’re doing great,” Poe told him, barely breaking the kiss to speak. “But you don’t need to open your mouth that much. Use your lips.”

Finn obliged, and Poe felt as if he could spend a lifetime having those soft lips against his and it still wouldn’t be enough.

They didn’t kiss for longer than necessary, but every stroke of Finn’s tongue, every breath into his mouth and tug at his hair left Poe dizzy, until he felt like he would collapse the moment they pulled away for good.

That couldn’t be the end of all things.

Could it?

“That was fun,” Finn said, audibly flustered with the biggest grin Poe had ever seen plastered across his face.

“It was,” Poe choked out, hoping his own smile wasn’t as fake as it felt.

“Maybe we could do it again sometime.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Poe hadn’t meant to say it, but he realized that he didn’t regret it.

Finn’s face fell. “Oh? How come?”

“It’s-” Heartbreaking. Painful. Would literally leave him for dead if they kept it up. “-complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

“Don’t get defensive.”

“I’m not, I just-” Finn cut himself off, head turning away from Poe as he exhaled slowly. “I’m just wondering.”

Poe had two options. Either he could confess to Finn that he had more than friendly feelings for him, or he could lie. He didn’t want to do either of those things.

“It’s complicated because I can’t pretend it doesn’t mean anything.”

Poe Dameron wasn’t a liar.

“Does it?” Finn looked at him. “Mean something?”

“It means everything.” Poe couldn’t hold his gaze. “And I apologize for it.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“I do, I-”

“Poe.”

“What?”

“Look at me.”

Poe did, and what he saw was Finn leaning in, and Poe caught his kiss with a hunger he’d never felt before. Pulled Finn into his embrace with an eagerness that almost scared him, and when Finn deepened the kiss Poe felt a satisfaction he’d been longing for his entire life.

His heart was finally happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://thesoundofnat.tumblr.com/)


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